Last week we talked about resolutions and goals–things we want to start doing this year. This week, let's consider some things to stop doing.
Some things to stop doing . . . and a few things to do instead
I try to take a positive approach to topics in this podcast. I typically talk about things to add rather than subtract, and focus on positive things to do, rather than negative things to avoid. This title seems to come at it from a negative perspective, but I just kept pondering the things we (I) do that hold us back from accomplishing what we care about most and making a life that matters. So I wanted to share a few things we can stop doing, with a suggestion of something we can do instead for each.
1. Comparing yourself to others
Why?
Damage caused by comparison : We're not comparing apples to apples. We compare our insides to other people's outsides. We don't always see what is going behind the scenes personally or professionally for that person you're comparing yourself against.
”While comparisons can be informative, they’re almost always discouraging, because someone’s always going to end up on the bottom. . . . Comparisons turn friends and allies into rivals.”
“there is a huge difference in energy and outcome between seeing other people’s success and using that vision to inspire you, versus beating yourself up mercilessly because you’re not where they are.”
What to do instead
- Let yourself be inspired by what others do but not measured by it.
“A better way to figure out “How am I doing?” might be to compare ourselves today to where we were in the past, or to where we want to be in the future.”
If you must compare yourself, compare against your past self 6 months ago, a year ago, 10 years ago. Look at the progress you've made. Give some value to that. Or compare yourself today against who you want to be in the future. Get that vision of who you want to be and take steps towards becoming that person.
In order to validly compare yourself to your past or future self, be purposeful and aware. Keep track of the areas you’re working on in a journal or spreadsheet, and make time to review it periodically. Acknowledge progress made (no matter how slight), and readjust your approach to keep moving forward.
2. Taking chances with your online security
By “taking chances,” I mean making risky choices such as using simple passwords, being on insecure public wifi, and using non-password-protected devices.
Why?
So much of our lives now lives online. The upside of this is the convenience and connectedness, but the downside is that we can be vulnerable to have our important data and memories be taken advantage of by those with ill intent who want to steal your data and do nefarious things with it.
If you Google “how many people were hacked in 2018” you can find a long list of articles discussing major data breaches – Facebook, Macy’s, Sears, Delta airline, Best Buy, Uber, Equifax.
What to do instead
- Password wisdom – use unique, complex passwords or pass-phrases
“that you don’t use anywhere else and either remember it or save it in your password management application. Length is key: a password with 14 or more characters is very strong.”
- Password manager – LastPass, 1 Password, Dashlane, etc.
- Enable 2-factor authentication anywhere it’s available
- Use a VPN like Encrypt.me
- For more info, check out “Practical Tips for Personal Online Security”
3. Being paralyzed by perfectionism (or beating yourself up for your mistakes)
Why?
Hazards of perfectionism: we do nothing, thus failing ahead of time, or we start but don’t finish.
“Perfectionism magnifies your mistakes and minimizes your progress. . . . The harder you try to be perfect, the less likely you’ll accomplish your goals. . . . Developing tolerance for imperfection is the key factor in turning chronic starters into consistent finishers.”
from Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done by Jon Acuff
What to do instead
- Just start. The goal is not perfection. Know that you can improve as you go along. We can edit and iterate. But if we don't do anything, there is nothing to perfect or improve.
- Finish by allowing imperfections to be OK.
- Jon Acuff recommends “Cut the goal in half”
4. Letting your decisions be motivated by fears of what others might think
Why?
We need to be okay with saying no when it's the right thing to do. We sometimes take on too much because we don't want to disappoint people or we want people to like us, with the result that we end up with a too-full schedule and not doing the things that really matter most to us.
“When you're afraid to disappoint people or get rejected if you don't say yes, you'll fall into fear-based, people-pleasing, self-sacrificing behaviors that lead to resentment. But when fear is no longer running the show, you say no when it feels self-loving. As they say, “No” is a complete sentence. This doesn't mean you won't devote yourself to generosity and service. It means the service stems from a genuine love-based (rather than a fear-based) motivation.”
What to do instead
- Identify the very small list of people whose opinion of you matters. The right to speak into your life is earned by demonstrated care for your physical and emotional well-being.
- Recognize that everybody’s entitled to their opinion, but you don’t have to listen to it.
5. Filling your schedule with activities that leave no space to think, rest, savor
Why?
Sometimes we fill up our hours to feel needed, to avoid the silence that lets the voice in our head tell us we’re not enough.
Sometimes it's because we believe we’re at the mercy of our circumstances. We are living reactively instead of with intention.
“A woman who lives with the stress of an overwhelmed schedule will often ache with the sadness of an underwhelmed soul. . . . The decisions we make dictate the schedules we keep. The schedules we keep determine the lives we live. The lives we live determine how we spend our souls.”
The Best Yes:Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands by Lysa TerKeurst
What to do instead
- Leave white space and gaps between commitments
- Schedule downtime. Make time for relationships, but also for silence, solitude, time to think
- Say yes slowly and only to those commitments that resonate with your purpose
- Take responsibility for your life
“Today’s choices become tomorrow’s circumstances. . . . Your decisions determine your direction. Your direction will determine destination.”
The Best Yes:Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demandsby Lysa TerKeurst
6. Putting yourself at the bottom of your list (or leaving yourself off the list altogether)
Why?
- We care about others, want to take care of others.
- We think it’s selfish to take time for ourselves.
- We overcommit to work, family, church, community, and something has to give. We don’t want to let anyone else down, so we put off that self-care or that personal goal or that hobby.
What to do instead
- Understand the importance of self-care: the people you love need you to be your best self, and you can’t be that if you’re exhausted, discouraged, overwhelmed, sick, and distracted. For them, and for yourself, take care of yourself.
- Figure out what feeds you, and schedule it on your calendar – Spa day? Reading? Crafting? Dinner with a friend? Nap?
7. Breaking your promises to yourself
Why?
Let's say you made an appointment with yourself for something like a spa day or working on a project or a goal just for yourself. But when the time comes it gets pushed aside for something else. You set a goal for yourself and do not take the action that you committed to take.
Every time you do that, you're breaking a promise you made. You do that to yourself even though you would never think of breaking a promise to someone else. Many of us do this–we think it doesn't matter because we don't see it as a promise made to yourself and therefore as a promise broken.
“When you break promises to yourself, you send yourself a powerful message that you are not important. You also go against your values around being honest and acting with integrity.”
“The Power of Promises – How to Never Let Yourself Down Again”
When you make a promise to or an appointment with or for yourself, it matters. When you break that commitment to yourself, it matters.
What to do instead
Practice keeping the commitments you make to yourself
- Make promises you can keep – be realistic in your daily commitment
- Make it your number 1 priority – don’t let anything get in the way
- Be specific – make your promise clear – “I will go for a 30-minute run today”
- Write down your promise – keep it somewhere visible at home and at work
- Chart your success – keep track of your daily success on a star chart somewhere you see regularly
- Reward success – how will you celebrate keeping a week of promises?”
from “The Power of Promises – How to Never Let Yourself Down Again”
“Studies show that keeping a promise to yourself helps you feel strong and confident, and boosts your productivity and happiness!”
What do you think?
Are you willing to stop doing these things this year? What are your strategies to stop doing these things? Please share them in the comments section below this post or in The Productive Woman Community Facebook group or send me an email.
Resources
Articles
- “3 Reasons to Stop Comparing to Yourself to Others”
- “When Comparing Yourself to Others Turns Self-Destructive”
- “Practical Tips for Personal Online Security”
- “10 Signs Fear is Running Your Life”
- “The Power of Promises – How to Never Let Yourself Down Again”
- “Why You Need to Stop Breaking Promises to Yourself”
Books
- Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done, by Jon Acuff
- The Best Yes:Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands, by Lysa TerKeurst
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