We can’t make a life that matters without making decisions, but some decisions are harder than others. How can you make difficult decisions a little easier?
How do you make difficult decisions?
In the past few months, I’ve received a lot of questions in emails and in the TPW community about decisions, especially difficult ones. These questions really resonate with me. I have struggled with making certain big decisions myself.
The thing is, unmade decisions are stressful. They leave us feeling unsettled, uncertain, distracted, and torn between the options.
You cannot make a life that matters without making decisions. If we can make those decisions–even difficult decisions–with less anxiety and stress, then we can be more productive, both in the sense of getting things done and in the sense of making a life that matters.
What makes a decision difficult?
- Cost – time, money, effort
- Perceived impact on ourselves and others
- Anticipated reactions of other people – Disappointment? Anger? sadness?
- Choosing among good options – The difficulty isn’t choosing one thing, but giving up all the others
What kinds of decisions are difficult?
- Changing jobs
- Starting or ending a relationship
- Decluttering
- Moving to a new town or a new house
- How best to care for a sick child or an aging parent
What difficult decisions do you struggle with?
Making decisions
There are steps we can take to help when we face a difficult decision.
- Schedule time to think quietly
- You can’t think well when you’re going at 100 mph
- When you feel like you can’t take the time to think is when you most need to
- Consider getting away for a day or two to get some rest as you process the decision at hand
- Talk to someone, but choose your advisors wisely. It’s not helpful to delay decision-making by seeking advice from everyone you know.
- Trust your instincts
“When the answers aren’t clear, what we want more than anything is peace, clarity, and a nudge in the right direction. The problem is we are often looking for direction in all the wrong places. Often the clues to our next decision remain within us, unheard and undiscovered.”
from The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman
That’s why scheduling time to think is so important. We cannot hear our heart, our own wisdom, if we never give ourselves the time, space, and quiet to listen. Get wise counsel, but trust your instincts.
- Be honest with yourself about the decision’s true significance. Is it worth the amount of time you’re spending thinking about it? How much will it matter a year from now?
- Know your values, and let them guide you. Know and admit to yourself what you want most.
“If you don’t take the time to admit what you most long for, decisions will still need to be made. But instead of stepping forward in self-awareness, you’ll base your decisions on other outward things like expectations, habit, or some other kind of external pressure.”
from The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman
- Determine not to be governed by the fear of what might be.
We often hold ourselves back by imagining the worst and running from it. Ask yourself, “Am I being led by love or pushed by fear?” (An excellent question from The Next Right Thing)
Storms come. Difficulties arise that must be lived through and survived. We experience dark moments, and pretending we don’t is just avoidance.
BUT:
“It’s another thing altogether to create a storm in our head and then make our decisions based on a possible scenario that hasn’t even happened. That would be like naming the whole story as doomed before it had even begun. We can’t prevent storms from coming, but we can decide not to invent our own.”
from The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman
A few tools for making better decisions
Several of these tools are described well in a YouTube video titled “How to Make Better Decisions” by a woman named “Muchelle B”
- 10:10:10 rule (Youtube Video): How will you feel in 10 minutes? How will it impact you in 10 months? How will it impact you in 10 years?
- Outsider’s Perspective (Youtube Video): Pretend you’re the protagonist in a novel you’re reading and ask yourself (about yourself), “Why doesn’t she just _________?” Or pretend you’ve just been transported into your body. You have amnesia and can’t remember any of your past decisions, so you can only look at the current situation and apply the skills and knowledge you currently have. What do you do next?
- The “next right thing” approach (from The Next Right Thing). Set aside the dithering about long-term outcomes and uncertainty. What’s the next right thing to do? (Maybe it’s take a nap!)
- “Fear setting” (Youtube Video with reference to Tim Ferris as her source): Ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” The process of fear-setting involves several steps:
- Define your fears – What are you afraid of?
- Create a prevention plan – How could you keep those terrible things from happening?
- Create a repair plan – What would you do if the terrible things did happen?
- Define the consequences of inaction – What will happen if you do nothing?
- What will you miss out on in 6 months, 5 years, 10 years?
- What are you waiting for – Why are you waiting to make this decision?
This reminds me of life coach Brooke Castillo’s thoughts about usually the thing you fear most is what you’re already experiencing, so what do you really have to lose? We often fail ahead of time by not trying.
- Experiment first, then decide (Youtube Video) – try it out on a small scale to see how you feel about it. Example: If you’re thinking about moving to a new city, visit there first, spend time there, not as a tourist, but doing the sorts of things you’d do if you lived there
Not deciding IS deciding
Seldom is there only one right answer, and seldom is your decision irreversible. In most cases you can make a decision, take steps in that direction, and know that if it feels wrong, you can almost always make adjustments.
You’ll find relief in simply having made that decision to move forward.
What do you think?
Are there certain types of decisions you struggle with? Or have you found tools or approaches that help you make big decisions with a minimum of stress and anxiety? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below this post or in The Productive Woman Community Facebook group, or send me an email.
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