How do you manage the mental load of running a household, a career, and all that makes up your life? The TL;DR is this: It’s okay to let others help you bear the mental load as well as the physical tasks. It doesn’t make you any less of a good mother, wife, co-worker, or other such role. It means you’re putting yourself first for a change without losing sight of your responsibilities. And this is a good and healthy thing to do.
Managing the mental load–and sharing it with others–makes for a more peaceful and productive life
Recently I’ve run across a bunch of social media posts in which women are talking about the difficulties of managing the mental load of running a household, often while also working full time. Many of these posts seem to focus on frustration with or resentment of husbands or male partners who aren’t, in the poster’s opinion, carrying their fair share of that mental load. The comments on these posts are full of hostility, often seeming to pit women and men against each other.
I have to confess I’ve found these discussions puzzling. Not because I don’t recognize or understand the concept of mental load, because of course I do. But the hostility does puzzle me, as does what appears in many cases to be the underlying resentment some women feel toward some of the demands of motherhood as they are experiencing it. It seems these experiences and feelings would certainly make it harder to make a life that matters.
Because I want to understand better the experiences many women seem to be having as women and moms, I decided to do some research into the concept of mental load, the experiences many women are having of it, and how we can find ways to manage and share that load so that each of us can continue to define, pursue, and make a life that matters.
The Definition of “Mental Load”
According to a post by UCLA Health, “Mental load typically refers to the behind-the-scenes, cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household. Examples are meal planning, scheduling and generally meeting the needs of every family member. The mental tasks you take on at work can also add to your total load.”
Another article on the Mind Body Green website notes that “the mental load is about not the physical tasks but rather the overseeing of those tasks. It’s being the one in charge of having the never-ending list of to-do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done and when, delegating all the tasks to respective family members, and making sure they actually get done.”
One writer refers to it as “the work that keeps you up at night”: “When you or your partner puts their head on the pillow at night or has a moment in a quiet car ride, the noise that swirls around in the brain is the mental load. . . . When should we schedule the next pediatrician appointment? Will I have time to get to the grocery store to get food for our guests before their flight gets in? Wait, do they have food allergies? The baby’s stuffed animal is in the wash, and he gets fussy without it. Does the dog need to go to the vet?”
Yet another definition from the Better Help website: “Mental load definition: mental load is the cognitive effort involved in managing your work, relationships, a family, and a household. Mental load is the whole bundle of details you manage throughout the day. It has to do with your responsibilities, formal or not, as well as the decisions you have to make.”
Part of the struggle: All this mental work is invisible, often unnoticed by others.
Who’s carrying the mental load?
Research finds that a large majority of women who are married or in a long-term relationship with a man feel that they are carrying most of the mental load of managing household routines, family schedules, etc.
How it affects women
- Emotional exhaustion; according to one article, symptoms include lack of motivation, difficulty sleeping, feeling anxious, physical exhaustion
- Burnout (“a state of severe emotional, physical and mental exhaustion, . . . a pessimistic outlook and a feeling that they have nothing left to give. . . .” )
- Anxiety and depression
- Sleep deprivation
- Neglect of healthy eating and exercise
Expert recommendations
1. Re-evaluate
Take a step back and objectively evaluate the things you’re worrying about. One expert notes that “Sometimes we are overburdening ourselves from an unexamined assumption that we have to take care of (or control) everything. And that we are the only person to do it. Ease your mental load (and extend trust and growth opportunities to others) by delegating tasks (and the associated mental load). . . .”
Is any of the mental load you’re carrying a result of unrealistic expectations you’ve (consciously or unconsciously) set for yourself regarding what must be done, how, and by whom? One writer encourages us to ask ourselves two questions: (1) Does this work actually need to be done? (2) Am I the only one who can do it? If your hours are packed full of events and activities (yours and the children’s) and responsibilities, take an honest look at them and consider whether any could be pared down, deferred to a different stage of life, etc., before you even start considering what can be delegated.
One blogger suggests “Turn off that voice in your head that says you aren’t doing enough. Replace it with a louder one that says it’s okay to not be perfect.”
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- You can be a good mom without volunteering to be a room mother or produce the school newsletter or chair the PTSA.
- Our kids can grow up to have healthy, productive lives without participating in every (or any) extracurricular activity.
- You can have a clean and tidy house without spending hours every day on housework.
- Kids can start to do their own laundry and pack their own lunches earlier than you might think.
You don’t have to be the one to plan, shop for, and execute every meal. Consider assigning a night to each person in the house of reasonable age and let them choose what to have, shop for it (or make sure the ingredients are on the shopping list for whoever does the grocery shopping), and prepare it.
I love the approach another blogger describes: “I spilled my mental load onto notecards for one week. At the end of that week, I separated my stack into three distinct piles: Keep it, lose it, or delegate it. The release from my head was cathartic, but these “thought piles” also gave me something tangible to share with my husband. All that invisible mental work on an endless loop in my head could now be visualized by someone who could help.”
Lots of the social media comments I’ve read identify things like remembering his mother’s birthday and arranging gifts as part of the emotional load they carry. I mentioned that to Mike (my husband). His response: “My mother is my responsibility. If I want her to have a gift, it’s my responsibility to make it happen. There’s no reason the wife should even be thinking about it.” In other words, if that’s part of your mental load, it’s because you’ve decided to intervene for your own reasons. If you want to do it, great. If you resent it, stop doing it and leave that to him to do (or not do) as he chooses.
2. Communicate
Talk to your partner about what the mental load feels like to you and what you need. Jo-Ann Finkelstein, PhD, writing for The Feminist Parent, suggests that you “Explain that you want to share the household management, not just the chores themselves.”
Recommendations about initiating this discussion:
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- “Consider the time and space. Choose a time when you have privacy and no distractions. Prepare your partner by letting them know you’d like to talk about something important.
- Find common ground. Estavillo recommends opening with a shared value: equality in your relationship. You might say, ‘I know you value contributing equally to our relationship, and I think you may not realize I have more responsibilities that go unnoticed.’
- Use ‘I’ statements. This means framing things in terms of your own feelings and experiences instead of blaming the other person. Instead of ‘You hurt me,’ for example, you’d say, ‘I feel hurt when you…’”
3. Coordinate (ongoing communication)
Many experts recommend weekly meetings to go over what needs to happen during the coming week and divide up responsibilities. One article describes it this way: “The most important thing Watson and his wife did to create an environment in which they share the mental, emotional and physical labor of keeping their home and family going equally is what they call the ‘boring meeting.’ It happens every week — for them around lunchtime on Monday — and they go over the boring, small details of what is coming up and needs to get done, what in their home needs changing, and how their shared responsibilities are going. . . .”
Talk about and reach agreement on expectations regarding when and how tasks will be done, mutually acceptable standards. There’s no reason we as women should get to decide unilaterally what those standards are. He’s an adult in the household as well, and his opinion is just as valid as ours.
When your partner (or older child) takes on a part of the load, let it go.
“part of sharing the mental load also involves change on the part of women. For example, women can often fall into the habit of gatekeeping when it comes to household labor, which might include monitoring, criticizing, or correcting the ways your partner does his chores—which may actually discourage him from fully engaging. You need to be able to trust your partner to get things done. If you care about something being done a certain way, you can explain why it’s important to you. Frame any such requests not as criticism but as a way your partner can show they love you—by caring about the small details you care about.” [from What Is the Mental Load? The Invisible Labor Falling on Women’s Shoulders]
Many of the comments I’ve seen about mental load reflect a level of resentment about having to be the “manager” and tell people what needs to be done. The whole point of trying to share the mental load is to be able to step out of the manager role sometimes. Yet we also want to control what’s done, when, and how. That seems contradictory. If we have a conversation and our partner takes on certain elements but we are still monitoring and correcting how and when they do it, then we are still choosing to be the manager.
4. Lighten the load for all
Most of the materials and social media posts I read talk about the exhausting effects of all the stuff running through the mind. One important way to lighten that load is to get it out of our minds and onto paper.
Remembering birthdays, school events, etc. is a big part of the load that we can . . . unload. In other words, DON’T TRY to remember. Have a big wall calendar or shared digital calendar into which all these things are entered. The only thing to remember (for you and the others in the family) is to nurture the habit of looking at the calendar regularly to see what’s coming up and how to prepare for it. Both you and your spouse can/should do that, especially during your weekly meetings, when you can divide up who’ll be responsible for the prep for which events.
Groceries – Shared list, everyone is responsible for adding items as they’re running low. Reach an agreement about establishing this habit.
Household tasks/honey-do items – again, a shared list that things can be added to as they come up and crossed off as they’re completed.
Simplifying our schedules, our space, our belongings–all this will make the physical AND mental load lighter for us and the others in our household and leave more time for fun, rest, and restoration.
My perspective
I’m not sharing this to say my perspective is right or to criticize how anybody else feels or thinks about this. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, trying to understand the source of the conflict I’m seeing expressed, how other women feel about this and why, and exactly what it is that I feel or think about it, and why. Here are some of my random thoughts on the topic:
This might be controversial, but I believe that to a large degree, the weight and impacts of the mental load of managing a household depends on how we choose to think about it. We are the only ones who can manage our own thinking, and we always have a choice in what thoughts to think.
There’s a big difference between have to and choose to. We often tend to think of things in terms of having to when the truth is we’ve chosen to. I know I do this in some areas, and when I’m starting to feel resentful of or unhappy about something I “have to” do, I try to pause and look at it more closely–do I really have to? Most times, no. I choose to, because I don’t like the results or consequences if I don’t. That’s still a choice, though.
If you choose to do something for others or for the household because you want to or see the value in it, great. If you’re doing something, for whatever reason, for others that you resent doing and you cannot find a way to look at it differently, then I’d suggest stop doing it. Almost nothing in our household management is so crucial that lives would be at stake if we stopped doing it. Life is too short to live with resentment over the things we’re spending our time, energy, and attention on.
I don’t feel it’s a burden to think about my family and what they need. It’s a privilege to care for the people I love (even to have people to love!), and I choose to do the things I do–nobody’s making me. This doesn’t mean I never get tired or frustrated or aggravated about it; I do.
Over the years I’ve tried to organize things in our household in such a way as to minimize the work it takes to maintain it and to make time available for me to have the breaks I needed when I needed them. When our kids were at home they had responsibilities to tend to, and I taught them from a young age that it was not my job to keep them entertained. But for me, the mental load of managing the household (including delegating responsibilities and teaching them how to do things) has always been part of the job I chose when I became part of a family, just like the mental load of managing multiple projects for multiple clients and keeping them all happy is part of my job as a lawyer.
IF, however, you don’t feel that way, it’s okay to re-evaluate as we discussed before and make the changes you need to feel good about the life you’re making for yourself and those you love.
I don’t expect that everyone (including my husband) should care about the same things I care about. I don’t find it offensive to have to ask.
I see lots of comments and posts to the effect that it’s offensive if the husband says, “Just tell me what you want/need and I’ll do it.” The response seems to be that this is an offensive dumping of the load on the woman and he should just be able to look around, see what needs to be done, and do it without being asked. My problem with this is that it assumes that “what needs to be done” is always objective and obvious, and I don’t think it is. I think it’s very subjective. What I think “needs to be done” in any given situation might be different from what Mike thinks “needs to be done.” And who’s to say that my opinion on this is the right one?
I’m not keeping score and looking for a 50/50 division of all tasks, just basic fairness in how our life is structured. I am fortunate, I guess, that I feel like our division of labor (mental and otherwise) is fair. I don’t want to mow the lawn or change the oil in the cars or fix broken hinges or repaint the porch or do our taxes. Could I do those things? Yes. I don’t want to, and Mike doesn’t mind doing them. Mike can do all the things in the house (and sometimes does them), but I don’t mind doing them, so I do most of the time. I work full time, but I work from home, so I’m the one who’s here, who sees things, and can tend to them on my breaks. I don’t expect that everyone (including my husband) must do things the way I do.
If I care a lot how something is done, I’ll do it myself. It’s not my job or my right to manage Mike’s work. I’m not the boss of him, or of the house, or of the relationship.
If I want or need something, it’s on me to communicate it. Nobody–even someone who loves me very much–can read my mind. (This is a big change from when I was younger, when I thought, “If he loves me, he should just know.”) As noted before, my perception of a situation is subjective and might be different from his. And I don’t think it’s unfair for me to have to ask.
Years ago, when I was a SAHM of 5 young kids, I usually did most of the cooking, cleaning, etc. But there were days when I would need some time alone, and I would call Mike at work and let him know, “When you get home from work, I’m leaving. You’ll need to sort out dinner for you and the kids.” And when he got home I’d leave for a couple of hours–maybe go sit at the library and read or whatever–and he’d figure out dinner for him and the kids.
I acknowledge, though, that I’m also fortunate to have a husband who (i) does at least his fair share of the work it takes to run a household and (ii) will do things when I ask him to, even if they’re things he doesn’t particularly think need to be done. I admittedly have a hard time comprehending the idea that there are men who don’t pitch in and do things at home.
Closing thoughts
There’s so much more to ponder about this concept of mental load, what it means to us as women, and how we can address it in a way that lets us continue, hopefully with joy, our journey toward making a life that matters. Part of the mental load many of us as women and especially as moms carry is that nagging sense that we’re doing it wrong. One expert encourages us to recognize that for what it is and address it. She suggests we take inventory of all we do, and instead of letting it overwhelm us, we pat ourselves on the back. Honestly acknowledge and appreciate all that we accomplish every day. In addition, she suggests giving up a little bit of control and avoiding a dependency on external validation — trying to prove everything we do to others. Ultimately, we need to be our best cheerleaders (and delegators) and appreciate ourselves for everything that we are capable of. We’ll often find we are much stronger than we realized.
What do you think?
What are your thoughts on this concept of mental load? Is it something you struggle with, or have you worked out an approach to household and life management that works for you? Post your thoughts and suggestions in the comments section below or in The Productive Woman Community Facebook group, or email me
Resources and Links
- Mental load: What it is and how to manage it | UCLA Health
- What Is The Mental Load? Women’s Invisible Labor | mindbodygreen
- Sharing the mental load: Men are talking about how they can take part | CNN
- What is mental load? Recognize the burden of invisible labor
- It’s All in Her Head (and It’s Exhausting)
- Mental Load: Examples, How to Talk About It, & More
- Mental Load: How To Reduce the Unseen Labor in Your Life
- Tackling Mental Load: 5 Practical Tips for a Healthier Mind
- What Is Mental Load? (And Why Is It Important?) – The Good Trade
- Why Women Do the Household Worrying – The New York Times
- How To Share The Mental Load In A Relationship | Henry Ford Health – Detroit, MI
- What Is the Mental Load—and What You Can Do About It – Happiest Baby
- The New Feminist
- Domestic Labor vs. The Mental Load: Why the Difference Matters
- Ask an Expert — Five Ways to Share the Mental Load in Marriage
- Let’s Share Women’s Mental Load
- The hidden load: How ‘thinking of everything’ holds mums back
- I Wrote Down Everything That Makes Up The Mental Load And This Is What Happened…
- Why the mental load on working mothers is only getting worse | Sponsored
- The mental load: building a deeper theoretical understanding of how cognitive and emotional labor overload women and mothers: Community, Work & Family: Vol 25 , No 1 – Get Access
- Managing mental load blog-230216 | Relationships Australia Victoria
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