Why We Do What We Do – TPW246

There are reasons why we do what we do. If we become more aware of those reasons, we can live more intentionally.

Thinking about why we do what we do

I often talk to people who are frustrated because they do things that don’t seem to make sense in light of their goals or values, or they don’t take action on goals they really want to accomplish. That puzzle got me thinking about motive–why we do what we do.

Much of what we do is habitual

Habits are actions we take without conscious decision. But they started with choice and became habits because of the reward we got for making that choice

Charles Duhigg, in his book The Power of Habit, describes habits as “the choices that all of us deliberately make at some point, and then stop thinking about but continue doing.” He also talks about the habit loop: cue – routine – reward.

James Clear, in Atomic Habits, adds a fourth element by breaking the routine piece into two parts: craving and response. As a habit is developed, the cue triggers a craving (for the reward), and we take an action in response to that craving.

We’ve talked about habits before, the part about doing things without conscious thought, in previous episodes.

• TPW147: Productive Reading: The Power of Habit
• TPW230: Productive Reading: Atomic Habits
• TPW114: Mindset Matters: Productive Habits
• TPW179: Motivation and Habit

This time I’m curious about the first part: the choices we deliberately make, and why we make them

We do things for lots of reasons–for survival, for example, and for the benefit of others, or for our own benefit–but often we are not actually conscious of the reason we’re doing something.

What motivates us

• Feelings

Whether or not we’re conscious of it, everything we do is motivated by a feeling–either what we feel in the moment, or how we think we’ll feel when we do it. We want to feel satisfied, or proud, or we just want to feel better in some small or large way than we do right now, and that motivates us to do something to achieve that feeling.

This is an application of Clear’s description of how habits work: A cue triggers a craving, and that leads to action. Clear says, “Every craving is linked to a desire to change your internal state. . . . The thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the [person who experiences the cue] are what transform a cue into a craving.” We take an action in an effort to gain the reward (satisfy the craving).

Most of us are not truly aware of our feelings and how they are driving our action; we aren’t good at feeling our feelings. Rather, we’re more likely to try to stifle them (what Brooke Castillo calls buffering) or redirect them.

• • Instead of identifying the feeling of worrying, being anxious, sad, or bored, we eat, shop, or watch TV, without really taking the time to think about why we’re doing those things.
  • Feelings of shame or embarrassment or helplessness may be translated into anger, so we yell at someone or vent in some other way.

A thing happens, and we have a thought about what that thing means, and our thought creates an emotion, a feeling.

It’s important to learn the skill of consciously recognizing and feeling our feelings, and choosing on purpose what to do in response to them.

“Unless we develop some kind of practice of conscious engagement with our feelings, most of us experience them and respond to them as internal demands for action or avoidance of action whether or not it’s what we want. Fear, shame, or guilt may lead us to avoidance, while anger or excitement leads us to move towards an action.”

“Why Do We Do What We Do?” 

• • Identify the feeling. Give it a name: fear, loneliness, shame

• • Sit with it for a while. Don’t judge it as good or bad; just be with it. Recognize that a feeling (even an unpleasant one) isn’t something to be afraid of. We think negative feelings are a sign something is wrong, but that’s not true. So-called negative feelings are the necessary contrast that makes positive feelings meaningful. Light has no value without darkness. Joy has no significance if we’ve never experienced sorrow.

“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.”

~ Carl Jung

• • Identify the thoughts that are creating the feeling
    • If you’re feeling proud, what’s the thought? Maybe “This thing I did reflects well on me as a person.”
    • If you’re feeling impatient or angry, maybe “That person should not have done that thing.

• • Choose whether to keep feeling that feeling or to choose another and the thoughts that will create it

• Human needs

One theory is that our basic human needs are what are what’s behind the feelings we have:

“everything any of us ever does is an attempt to meet core human needs.”

“Feelings . . . serve a signal function. They arise from the constant stream of data about what is happening, and our ceaseless evaluation, under the radar of our awareness, as to whether or not our needs are met. Listening to our feelings carefully allows us to trace them to the underlying needs that give rise to them.”

“Why Do We Do What We Do?” 

What are those needs?

In a 2006 TED talk and on his podcast, Tony Robbins identifies the 6 universal human needs as:

• • • • certainty
      • significance
      • variety
      • love/connection
      • growth
      • contribution

Another perspective on core human needs is found in Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

(image source: SimplyPsychology.org)

Maslow’s diagram provokes thoughts about those needs, and how they impact our behavior. One thing I notice in both Maslow’s diagram and Robbins’s list: Connection is key.

Brené Brown says we’re wired for it.

Maslow’s hierarchy points out that assuming our physiological and safety needs are met, the next thing we look for is connection with others. Thus, altruistic actions (things done for others) are done to serve that need for connection.

If our basic needs and our connection needs are met, we move to the needs Maslow’s pyramid identifies as “higher,” such as significance. As humans we have a need to make a difference–we talk about it on this show in the idea of making a life that matters. It’s hard to get there if our basic physiological and safety needs are not met.

When we act against our own best interests

Some think we always act in our own self-interest, but that’s not true. Many times we act against our own self-interest.

When we act against our own best interests–when we do things that bring results we don’t want–there’s a reason. We are getting some benefit from it. The first step to changing our actions (and thus our results) is understanding WHY we’re doing it. What are we getting out of it?

1. Example: We procrastinate on taking an action that would move us toward an important goal–why?
2. Fear (conscious or not) of change – The human brain favors the familiar, resists change (even positive change) as a risk (Steven Pressfield’s concept of resistance)
3. Short-term pleasure favored over long-term–the brain is wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain (survival depended on it in the past; not so much anymore)

Why does all this matter?

Living intentionally (and with compassion toward ourselves)

First, understanding what motivates us to act is key to intentionally taking action that serves us.

“Self-improving minds perpetually search for answers to the questions of why we do what we do, as well as who we do it for. The greater understanding we have for the “Why” and the “What”, the more likely we are to find peace and balance in our lives.”

 “10 Reasons: A Guide for Why We Do What We Do” 

In his TED Talk (mentioned above), Tony Robbins said “Decisions are destiny,” and suggested that at any given moment we each have to make three key decisions: What to focus on, what it means (the thought we have that creates an emotion), and what to do (the emotion will result in action).

This description resonates with things I’ve learned from other teachers, including Brooke Castillo (mentioned above). Whatever we’re experiencing in a moment of time, we choose what to focus on. Then we have to decide what it means–that is, what to think about it (and we always get to choose what to think). Whatever thought we choose, whether we choose intentionally or without intention, that thought will create an emotion. We then have to decide what to do about what we’ve focused on, based on what we decide it means.

 “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.”

~ James Clear in Atomic Habits

Whether conscious or not, our beliefs about who we are as a person drive our actions. Make a conscious choice about the type of person we want to be, identify what actions that type of person would take, and take those actions on purpose.

Compassion toward others

Second, understanding why we do the things we do is also key to understanding others. If we can learn to become curious about why others do what they do, especially people that bug us, we can learn to be more compassionate.

Just as our actions (motivated by our feelings, which are created by the thoughts we think) can, if consciously chosen, make us into the kind of person we want to be, taking conscious, compassionate actions toward each other can help create the kind of world we want to live in.

“It isn’t enough to just show up every day and be consistent in your actions; you need to be patient as well. Time moves on whether we want it to or not. There’s no puzzle to solve there. What we do with it, that’s the part that we need to solve.”

~ Mike Vardy (host of The Productivityist podcast), on Instagram April 26, 2019

Productivity is about the results. If the way we think creates emotions/feelings that lead to actions that create the results we want, then we are living the ultimate productive life.

What do you think?

Have you wondered why you do the things you do? Do you agree or disagree with any of the ideas I’ve shared in this episode? Please share them in the comments section below this post or in The Productive Woman Community Facebook group, or send me an email.

Resources and Links

Articles

• “Why Do We Do What We Do?” 
• Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
• 10 Reasons: A Guide for Why We Do What We Do
• Brené Brown’s Netflix Special Busts Six Vulnerability Myths
• Steven Pressfield’s articles on resistance

Podcasts / Videos

• Tony Robbins Podcast “Why we do what we do”
• Tony Robbins’ TED Talk 
• Productivityist Podcast Hosted by Mike Vardy

Books

• The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
• Atomic Habits by James Clear

Previous Episodes 

• TPW147: Productive Reading: The Power of Habit
• TPW230: Productive Reading: Atomic Habits
• TPW114: Mindset Matters: Productive Habits
• TPW179: Motivation and Habit

Announcements & Reminders

Thank you to our sponsor Gusto for helping me bring content to you at no charge. Gusto provides fast, simple payroll processing, benefits, and expert HR support all in one place for the modern small business. TPW Listeners get three months free when they run their first payroll. Try a demo and see for yourself at www.gusto.com/tpw.

Click here to discover my favorite apps!

I would love to have your help!

• Subscribe, rate, and review The Productive Woman in Apple Podcasts or subscribe in Stitcher.
• Join the conversation at The Productive Woman on Facebook.
• Your feedback matters to me. Please share your comments, questions, or suggestions.

Royse City, Texas

I Was Just Thinking . . .
Legal Blog: Real Estate Law Blog
Follow @LauraMcMom
Contact me